Quotes about funny
funny cutting shoes
When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog. Clive James
funny mother humorous
Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely.
funny dog psychopath
They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.
funny death dying
To you who have never died, may I say: Welcome to the world! Clive Barker
funny-inspirational vegetables vegetarian-diet
I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables. Clint Eastwood
funny golf play
To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you're wiser. And if you keep most of your marbles intact, you can add a note of wisdom to the coming generation.
funny baby humor
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.' Dylan Moran
funny humor thinking
You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"
funny humor men
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
funny humor bores-you
[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.
funny humor thinking
Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.
funny humor thinking
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
funny witty humorous
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
funny jobs humor
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
funny humor might
If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
funny sleep two
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.
funny horse men
You look like a horse in a man costume
funny comedy reactions
You exaggerate your own reactions.
funny comedy valuable
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
funny humor phones
Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.
funny humor long
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
funny humor division
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
funny book humor
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
funny party verbs
Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop
funny humor fruit
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
funny sex humor
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!
funny teenager burning
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.
funny humor wheels
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
funny humor eggs
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
funny jesus humor
And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
funny humor drug
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
funny humor thinking
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
funny dream humor
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?