Famous Quotes & Sayings

Dylan Moran

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!

Dylan Moran

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

Dylan Moran

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

Dylan Moran

Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely in the city; Well you know what, so is everything else! Including sex, coffee and conversation.

Dylan Moran

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"

Dwight D. Eisenhower

An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame - Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

You don't lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.

Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Doug Stanhope

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Doug Stanhope

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

Doug Stanhope

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Doug Stanhope

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Doug Stanhope

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Doug Stanhope

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Doug Stanhope

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Doug Stanhope

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Doug Stanhope

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Doug Stanhope

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Doug Stanhope

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Doug Stanhope

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Doug Stanhope

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Douglas Adams

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

Douglas Adams

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.