Famous Quotes & Sayings

Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Dean Koontz

And the funny thing was if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you could have wished for yourself.

Damon Runyon

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Craig Kilborn

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Craig Ferguson

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

Craig Ferguson

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Craig Ferguson

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

Craig Ferguson

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Craig Ferguson

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Craig Ferguson

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Craig Ferguson

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

Craig Ferguson

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

Craig Ferguson

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

Craig Ferguson

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Craig Ferguson

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

Craig Ferguson

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Craig Ferguson

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

Craig Ferguson

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Craig Ferguson

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

Craig Ferguson

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

Craig Ferguson

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

Craig Ferguson

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

Craig Ferguson

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Craig Ferguson

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Craig Ferguson

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Craig Ferguson

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.