Famous Quotes & Sayings

Ambrose Bierce

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

Ambrose Bierce

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Ambrose Bierce

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Ambrose Bierce

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Ambrose Bierce

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

Alicia Silverstone

My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'.

Alicia Silverstone

Nothing's changed my life more. I feel better about myself as a person, being conscious and responsible for my actions and I lost weight and my skin cleared up and I got bright eyes and I just became stronger and healthier and happier. Can't think of anything better in the world to be but be vegan.

Alicia Silverstone

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

Alice Walker

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

Alice Duer Miller

When a woman like that whom I've seen so much, All of a sudden drops out of touch; Is always busy and never can, Spare you a moment, it means a man.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Anne Lamott

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.

Anthony Jeselnik

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

Anthony Jeselnik

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Anthony Jeselnik

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Anthony Jeselnik

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Anthony Jeselnik

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

Anthony Jeselnik

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.

Anthony Jeselnik

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

Anthony Jeselnik

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Anthony Jeselnik

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

Anthony Jeselnik

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Anthony Jeselnik

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Ann Landers

Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.

Ann Landers

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Ann Landers

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

Ann Landers

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.