Famous Quotes & Sayings

Ann Landers

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

Ann Brashares

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.

Ann Brashares

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Andy Borowitz

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Andy Borowitz

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Andy Borowitz

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Andy Borowitz

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Andy Borowitz

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Andy Cohen

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.

Andrea Dworkin

Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are.

Alphonse de Lamartine

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

A. A. Milne

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.

A. A. Milne

They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.

Kevin Whately

Oxford is a funny place, as it is a mixture of town and gown. You have the students at the main university and at Oxford Brookes, but there is also a big working-class community.

Alexander Pope

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

Alex Haley

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

E. M. Forster

Beauty ought to look a little surprised: it is the emotion that best suits her face. The beauty who does not look surprised, who accepts her position as her due - she reminds us too much of a prima donna.

Sanjeev Bhaskar

I was greatly influenced by 'The Goons' and 'Monty Python' reconstituting what comedy was - it could come from a funny word, not just a set up and a pay-off. I liked the zaniness; they were satirical, slightly saucy and very literary in their references.

Too many writers get stuck in the trap of writing what they think is funny and not considering who they are writing it for.

Stan Freberg

The decision as to what's funny and what is not funny shall rest solely with Mr. Freberg.

Abbie Hoffman

Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.

A. E. Housman

In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning.

A. A. Milne

Life is so much friendlier with two.

A. A. Milne

A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion.

A. A. Milne

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Janeane Garofalo

I don't really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don't.