Famous Quotes & Sayings

Demetri Martin

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Demetri Martin

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Dean Koontz

And the funny thing was if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you could have wished for yourself.

Damon Runyon

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Craig Kilborn

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Craig Ferguson

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

Craig Ferguson

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Craig Ferguson

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

Craig Ferguson

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Craig Ferguson

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Craig Ferguson

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Craig Ferguson

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

Craig Ferguson

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

Craig Ferguson

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

Craig Ferguson

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Craig Ferguson

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

Craig Ferguson

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Craig Ferguson

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.