Famous Quotes & Sayings

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Jimmy Roy

We have a small, tight family. I left home at a young age and the best thing for me was to go home at Christmas-time and spend time with my family and friends. It's kind of funny, most people do turkey and all the trimmings, but we would have a big seafood festival because it's the only time of the year that we'd eat it. We never really went caroling, but once in a while we'd got out for a sleigh ride

Garry Shandling

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

Garry Shandling

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

Garry Shandling

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

Garry Shandling

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Garrison Keillor

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

Garrison Keillor

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

Garrison Keillor

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Garrison Keillor

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Gabriela Sabatini

I travel a lot to promote the perfumes and to do the commercials.

James Thurber

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

James Thurber

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

James Thurber

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

James Thurber

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

James Stewart

Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.

James Patterson

Can I come in? No! I'm in a towel! I'm blind!

James M. Barrie

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone.

Joe Rogan

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

Joe Rogan

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Joe Rogan

Haters...are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater.

Joe E. Lewis

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe Frazier

Boxing is the only sport you can get your brain shook, your money took and your name in the undertaker book.

Joan Didion

In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.

Joan Jett

The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, 'What are you talking about?' Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it's not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.

Jimmy Cannon

I judge how much a man cares for a woman by the space he allots her under a jointly shared umbrella.

Jim Morrison

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

John McLaughlin

When I hear a great musician, I can feel his life inside the music.