Famous Quotes & Sayings

Ellen Hopkins

Funny thing about the monster. The worse he treats you, the more you love him.

Elizabeth Gilbert

My life acccomplishments? Sanity, and you

Elaine Paige

My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet

Jimmy Fallon

It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.

Jimmy Fallon

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

Jimmy Fallon

Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'

Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'

Jimmy Fallon

Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.

Jimmy Fallon

Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there's any justice, the minute they're done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that's not compatible with their machinery.

Jimmy Fallon

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

Jimmy Fallon

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Jimmy Fallon

Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all.

Jimmy Fallon

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

John Frusciante

As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.

John Donne

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

John Oliver

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

John Oliver

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

John Mortimer

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.

John Mortimer

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

John Desmond Bernal

The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes.

John Berryman

Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.

John B. S. Haldane

There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.

Joel Hodgson

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

Joel Madden

My mom always said that there would be haters. Not everyone can love ya.

Joel Klein

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.

Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.