Famous Quotes & Sayings

Lewis Black

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Black

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

Lewis Black

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Lewis Black

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Leona Helmsley

Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.

Joseph Heller

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

Joseph Heller

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

Karl Pilkington

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Karl Pilkington

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

Karl Pilkington

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Karl Pilkington

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

Karl Pilkington

I came up with a good idea....see-through skin.

Karl Pilkington

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

Karl Pilkington

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

Karl Pilkington

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Karl Pilkington

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

Karl Pilkington

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

Karl Pilkington

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

Karl Pilkington

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Karl Popper

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification.

Karen Horney

The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.

John Dryden

Successful crimes alone are justified.

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

John Maynard Keynes

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

John Maynard Keynes

In the long run we are all dead.

John Madden

When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.

John Madden

Playing in this nice weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee.

John Madden

They'll score if they can just get into the endzone.

John Madden

Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.

John Madden

He would have scored a touchdown if he hadn't been tackled right there.

John Madden

The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here.

John Madden

In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball.