Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bill Bailey

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Bill Bailey

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Bill Bailey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Bill Bailey

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bill Bailey

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

Bill Bailey

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

Bill Bailey

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

Bill Bailey

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

Bill Bailey

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Bill Bailey

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Bill Bailey

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Bernard Manning

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

Bernard Malamud

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

Benjamin Hoff

Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything.

Bob Lemon

I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar.

Bob Marley

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

Bill Wyman

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing

Bill Veeck

Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.

Bill Walton

What a pathetic play from a pathetic human being.

Bill Walton

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet!