Famous Quotes & Sayings

Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Dean Koontz

And the funny thing was if you made the best of it, if you smiled through every storm, the bad things were never as terrible as you expected them to be, and the good things were better than anything you could have wished for yourself.

Billy Sunday

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Bill Nye

Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.

Bill Murray

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

Bertolt Brecht

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?

Bertolt Brecht

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

Benjamin Spock

There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.

Bertrand Russell

To be happy in this world, especially when youth is past, it is necessary to feel oneself not merely an isolated individual whose day will soon be over, but part of the stream of life slowing on from the first germ to the remote and unknown future.

Bertrand Russell

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

Bernard Baruch

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.

Carol Leifer

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.

Carl Friedrich Gauss

Ask her to wait a moment I am almost done.

Agnes Repplier

Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.

Agnes Repplier

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

Abba Eban

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

Alan King

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Alan Kay

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

P. J. O'Rourke

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

William Shakespeare

Life is as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

T. J. Miller

Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird.