Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bill Maher

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

Bill Maher

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

Bill Maher

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

Bill Maher

Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."

Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Bill Maher

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Bill Maher

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bill Maher

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Bill Austin

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.

Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Bill Bailey

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Bill Bailey

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

Bill Bailey

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Bill Bailey

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Bill Bailey

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me.

Bill Bailey

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Bill Bailey

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Bill Bailey

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Bill Bailey

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

Bill Bailey

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

Bill Bailey

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

Bill Bailey

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Bill Bailey

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

Bill Bailey

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life...