Famous Quotes & Sayings

Adam Carolla

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Adam Carolla

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Adam Carolla

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

Adam Carolla

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Adam Carolla

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Adam Carolla

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Adam Carolla

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Adam Carolla

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Adam Carolla

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

Adam Carolla

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

Adam Carolla

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

Adam Carolla

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

Adam Carolla

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

Adam Carolla

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

Adam Carolla

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Adam Carolla

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Adam Carolla

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Adam Carolla

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

George Cukor

I don't think you can teach people how to be funny. You can make suggestions about how to speak a line or get a laugh, but it has to be in them.

Gracie Gold

It's kind of low brow, but the show 'Bob's Burgers' is hilarious, and being from the Midwest, I can kind of relate to a lot of the jokes. 'Orange is The New Black' is a Netflix Exclusive, I think - that's really funny.

Tucker Max

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

Tom Bodett

I know how to make adults laugh pretty well. I don't know if kids think I'm that funny.

Willow Shields

I thought it was really funny that half the people I autographed things for said, 'Autograph the back of my phone.' I was like, 'What? Really? Seriously?' They didn't have anything else.

Terence Lewis

I want to be part of movies that have important and interesting subjects but are not depressing and are rather satirical and funny.

Alexander Woollcott

Many of us spend half of our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.

Alexander Woollcott

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

Alexander Woollcott

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander the Great

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

Craig Allen

We were all talking about it (Saturday) night, how we wanted to hit a walk-off home run in the first inning (on Sunday). It's funny how it actually happened.

Aberjhani

Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.

A. P. Herbert

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

A. P. Herbert

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

A. J. Liebling

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.