Famous Quotes & Sayings

Conan O'Brien

This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'

Conan O'Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

Conan O'Brien

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Conan O'Brien

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

Conan O'Brien

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

Conan O'Brien

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.

Conan O'Brien

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

Conan O'Brien

According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.

Conan O'Brien

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis...

Conan O'Brien

Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.

Conan O'Brien

A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.

E. W. Howe

Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.

E. W. Howe

Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.

E. W. Howe

None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The record does not show that Adam and Eve were ever married.

E. W. Howe

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.

E. W. Howe

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.

Colin Quinn

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

Colin Quinn

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Colin Quinn

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

Rick McCallum

We shot so fast, so relentlessly, that I don't think we had any funny moments where people flubbed lines or stunts went wrong, ... We do 50 (scene) setups a day. That focuses people in a different way.

Geraldine Page

I have played old ladies since I was 17 years old, and very convincingly. I've always looked funny and was too tall to play the leads and so had to play the grandmothers.

Joan Rivers

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Joan Rivers

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Brian Helgeland

I always think any circumstances can be funny. Not that I'm irresponsible, but when things go wrong, I always come up with a joke or think of something funny to say.

We have never been strictly political, only strictly funny.

Terry Crews

When you go back to 'Friends,' and you look at that as New York, there's no black people. That's not real. You're in New York City, and there's no black people at all. That's a little funny.

Harold Wilson

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

Doris Roberts

You know I'm an actress, not just a funny lady.

I have a funny accent in every language.

Ariel Winter

With comedy, don't try to be funny. That's really helped me. Just say the lines as you would say them, interact with other characters, and try to make it as real as possible. It will come out funny.

We had some trepidation whether or not we wanted to do it because we had been in the mode of doing the other. Once we got into the very first rehearsal, it reminded us how good Mozart was, how funny and how relevant to today.

Uzo Aduba

I try to play serious scenes a little funny and the comedy a little serious.

Emma Stone

Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted.