Famous Quotes & Sayings

Kurt Vonnegut

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

William Shakespeare

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.

David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

David Letterman

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

David Letterman

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

David Letterman

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

David Letterman

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

David Letterman

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

David Letterman

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Gerrold

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

David Gemmell

It's a funny thing about weaknesses....Most people will tell you they know their weaknesses. When asked, they'll tell you, 'Well for one thing, I'm overgenerous.' ... that's what innkeepers are for.

David Beckham

We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion.

David Beckham

That was in the past - we're in the future now.

David Beckham

I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.

David Beckham

I always wanted to be a hairdresser.

Dave Willis

The funny thing is that I had never actually watched TV.

David Ogden Stiers

Very often, I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.

David Ogilvy

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

Danny Baker

May we now all rise and sing the eternal school hymn: "Attack. Attack. Attack Attack Attack!"

Dannii Minogue

The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings. It makes it easy to have sex. With yourself.

Dannii Minogue

The funniest thing happened in one of my first scenes. In the beginning Emma was really arrogant and punk and in every scene she would slam the door when she walked in or out.

Danny Devito

I'm shooting in Brooklyn, we've got all kinds of crap going on, and I'm all alone now in a big hotel suite that you can't believe the size of it and a thing sticks in my foot and I just think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.

Danny Devito

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start..

Danica McKellar

Note to self: When noticing flyaway hairs, do not use lip gloss as an 'on-the-go' hair gel.

Dag Hammarskjold

If even dying is to be made a social function, then, grant me the favor of sneaking out on tiptoe without disturbing the party.

Cole Porter

Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.

Claude Pepper

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Colin Chapman

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.