Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Henny Youngman

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Henny Youngman

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Henny Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Henny Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Henny Youngman

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Henny Youngman

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Henny Youngman

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

Henny Youngman

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Henny Youngman

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

Henny Youngman

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Henny Youngman

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Henny Youngman

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Henny Youngman

If I had blood, I'd blush.

Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Henny Youngman

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

Henny Youngman

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Henny Youngman

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Henny Youngman

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.