Famous Quotes & Sayings

Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Johnny Carson

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Luis Bunuel

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese

Sheryl Crow

People don't realize that I'm really funny and I'm an excellent bridge player.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

Terry Pratchett

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Terry Pratchett

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

Nigella Lawson

If I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I'd wear it proudly as a trophy.

Nicolas Chamfort

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate.

Nicolas Chamfort

Most books today seemed to have been written overnight from books read the day before.

Nicolas Chamfort

Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.

Nicolas Chamfort

Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.

Nicolas Chamfort

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

Nicolas Chamfort

I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.

Nora Ephron

Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.

Niels Bohr

A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said.

Nicole Kidman

I was told I had a two per cent chance of getting pregnant, so I say she's a two per cent baby.

Nadia Ali

Come around, feel the sound. Know you make my heart pound. Fill me up, bring me down; when I hear your sound.

Mort Sahl

My life needs editing.

Miranda Otto

The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on screen, they're actually really happy, good- natured people.

Mignon McLaughlin

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Mignon McLaughlin

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

Mignon McLaughlin

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

Mignon McLaughlin

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.

Johnny Giles

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd

Johnny Knoxville

It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible.

John Wilmot

Before I married, I had three theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.

John Ruskin

Cursing is invoking the assistance of a spirit to help you inflict suffering. Swearing on the other hand, is invoking, only the witness of a spirit to an statement you wish to make.

Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax