Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Henny Youngman

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Henny Youngman

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Henny Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Henny Youngman

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Henri Frederic Amiel

An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.

Helen Keller

When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we wait too long looking at the closed door, and never realize that another door has been opened.

Galeazzo Ciano

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were moved.

Franz Kafka

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Erica Jong

Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy the Church. America Hollywood.