Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Henny Youngman

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Henri Frederic Amiel

An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.

Helen Keller

When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we wait too long looking at the closed door, and never realize that another door has been opened.

George Eliot

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Gore Vidal

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.

Gore Vidal

There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television.

Gib Lewis

I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity.

Harold Pinter

The weasel under the cocktail cabinet.

Jalen Rose

I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I can’t share with you guys.

Jaime King

But the funny thing is, I broke my finger not on set doing kung fu. I broke my finger when I fell down the stairs prior to going on set

Jackie Collins

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.

Jack Whitehall

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

Jack Whitehall

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

Jack Whitehall

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

Isaac Asimov

From my close observation of writers... they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.

Isaac Asimov

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

Isaac Asimov

Intelligence is an accident of evolution, and not necessarily an advantage.

Isaac Asimov

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Elton John

An agent is a person who is sore because an actor gets 90% of what they make.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

Ellen DeGeneres

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.

Ellen DeGeneres

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

Ellen DeGeneres

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Ellen DeGeneres

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

Ellen DeGeneres

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.'