Famous Quotes & Sayings

Ellen DeGeneres

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired.

Ellen DeGeneres

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Ellen DeGeneres

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

Ellen DeGeneres

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

For an actress to be a success, she must have the face of Venus, the brains of a Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of a Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Jerry Lewis

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Jerry Lawler

ECW stands for Extremely Crappy Wrestling.

Jerry Lawler

Go back to your bingo hall.

Jerry Lawler

What's twelve inches long and hangs in front on ass, Mankind's tie.

Jerry Lawler

The fats dented the flats.

Jerry Lawler

Foley looks like an un-made bed.

Jeff Bridges

Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike.

Jeff Bridges

It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.

Jeff Bridges

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

Jean-Paul Sartre

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

Georges Clemenceau

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

George Sand

It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides.

George Saunders

What once were two, are one

Jean Paul

Like a morning dream, life becomes more and more bright the longer we live, and the reason of everything appears more clear. What has puzzled us before seems less mysterious, and the crooked paths look straighter as we approach the end.

Jean Paul

Music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life.

Jim Harrison

That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park.

Jerry Smith

Everyone thinks softball is a girl's game. But you only think that until you get hit with it on a line drive.

Jerry Sloan

In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.

Jerry Seinfeld

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it."

Jerry Seinfeld

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Jerry Seinfeld

Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.

Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Jerry Seinfeld

Why would anybody want a friend?

Jerry Seinfeld

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.