Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."

Mike Birbiglia

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

Mike Birbiglia

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

Mike Birbiglia

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

Mike Birbiglia

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...

Mike Birbiglia

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

Mike Birbiglia

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

Mike Birbiglia

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Mike Birbiglia

They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

Mike Birbiglia

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

Mike Birbiglia

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

Mike Birbiglia

It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.

Mike Birbiglia

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

Mike Birbiglia

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Mike Birbiglia

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

Mike Birbiglia

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

Nancy Mitford

It's a funny thing that people are always ready to admit it if they've no talent for drawing or music, whereas everyone imagines that they themselves are capable of true love, which is a talent like any other, only far more rare.

Keisha Buchanan

With the history of us, a book wouldn't necessarily be the best thing.

Kate Clinton

Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'

Julia Sweeney

Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen.

Katie Couric

Sexism is so five minutes ago. I think for the most part, people accept that women are as competent as men.

Kevin Rooney

Reaganomics, that makes sense to me. It means if you don't have enough money, it's just because poor people are hoarding it.

Kevin Nealon

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

Kevin Nealon

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Ken Dodd

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Ken Dodd

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Kathy Griffin

There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.

Keanu Reeves

I mean, I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me.

Keanu Reeves

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Kristen Schaal

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'