Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Henny Youngman

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

Henny Youngman

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Henny Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Henny Youngman

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Henny Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Henny Youngman

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."