Famous Quotes & Sayings

I think I'm prepared for it, just because of my personality and the way I am. I know there's going to be some harsh things, some funny things. I'm going to try and take it all in as a joke, go out there and handle my business.

Ashley Williams

I'm not a person who can spontaneously say funny things.

Robert Redford

We do not own this place, we are just passengers

Jo Brand

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

Jo Brand

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.

George Eliot

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

James Thurber

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

James Thurber

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

James Thurber

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

James Thurber

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

James Stewart

Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.

James Patterson

Can I come in? No! I'm in a towel! I'm blind!

James M. Barrie

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone.

Joe Rogan

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

Joe Rogan

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

John Frusciante

As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.

John Donne

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

John Oliver

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death

John Oliver

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

John Mortimer

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.

John Mortimer

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

John Desmond Bernal

The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes.

John Berryman

Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.

John B. S. Haldane

There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.

Joel Hodgson

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

Joel Madden

My mom always said that there would be haters. Not everyone can love ya.

Joel Klein

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.

Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.