Famous Quotes & Sayings

Chelsea Handler

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Chelsea Handler

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Chelsea Handler

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

Chelsea Handler

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Chelsea Handler

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Chelsea Handler

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

Chelsea Handler

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Chelsea Handler

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Chelsea Handler

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Chelsea Handler

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Charlotte Whitton

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlyne Yi

Interviewing is tough, especially if you don't know what you're looking for.

Charlie Pierce

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.

Charlie Sheen

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.

Charlie Sheen

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.

Carl Jung

The woman is increasingly aware that love alone can give her full stature, just as the man begins to discern that spirit alone can endow his life with its highest meaning. Fundamentally, therefore, both seek a psychic relation to the other, because love needs the spirit, and the spirit love, for their fulfillment.

Carl Jung

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Calvin Trillin

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.

Calvin Trillin

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.