Famous Quotes & Sayings

Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Dane Cook

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Dane Cook

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Dane Cook

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Cyndi Lauper

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

David Lee Roth

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

David Lee Roth

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Letterman

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

David Letterman

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

David Letterman

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

David Letterman

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

David Letterman

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

David Letterman

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

David Letterman

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

David Letterman

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.

David Letterman

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

David Letterman

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

David Letterman

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

David Letterman

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

David Letterman

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.