Famous Quotes & Sayings

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Jimmy Roy

We have a small, tight family. I left home at a young age and the best thing for me was to go home at Christmas-time and spend time with my family and friends. It's kind of funny, most people do turkey and all the trimmings, but we would have a big seafood festival because it's the only time of the year that we'd eat it. We never really went caroling, but once in a while we'd got out for a sleigh ride

Garry Shandling

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

Garry Shandling

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

Garry Shandling

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

Garry Shandling

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Garrison Keillor

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

Garrison Keillor

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

Garrison Keillor

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Garrison Keillor

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Gabriela Sabatini

I travel a lot to promote the perfumes and to do the commercials.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Frank Lloyd Wright

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Frank Bruno

Boxing's all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds.

Francois Truffaut

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

Francois Truffaut

In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.

Frank A. Clark

A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

George Deukmejian

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

Geezer Butler

Ozzy wanted to get us back together. It's been 20 years. We did a couple of songs during his farewell in 1992 and that got the ball rolling.

Elayne Boosler

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Elayne Boosler

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Elayne Boosler

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

Elayne Boosler

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'