Famous Quotes & Sayings

Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

Daniel Tosh

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

Daniel Tosh

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Daniel Tosh

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

Daniel Tosh

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Daniel Tosh

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'

Daniel Tosh

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Daniel Tosh

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Daniel Tosh

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Daniel Tosh

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

Daniel Tosh

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Daniel Tosh

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Daniel Tosh

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Daniel Tosh

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Daniel Tosh

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Daniel Tosh

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Daniel Tosh

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Daniel Tosh

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Daniel Tosh

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

Daniel Tosh

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Daniel Tosh

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Daniel Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Dane Cook

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Dane Cook

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Dane Cook

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Cyndi Lauper

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

David Lee Roth

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

David Lee Roth

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Letterman

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.