Famous Quotes & Sayings

Tommy Cooper

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Tommy Cooper

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Tommy Cooper

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Tommy Cooper

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Tommy Cooper

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Tommy Cooper

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Tommy Cooper

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Tommy Cooper

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Tommy Cooper

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Tommy Cooper

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Tommy Cooper

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Tommy Cooper

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Tommy Cooper

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tommy Cooper

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Tommy Cooper

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Tommy Cooper

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Tommy Cooper

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Tommy Cooper

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure