Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Reggie Evans

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

Reggie Jackson

After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.

Red Buttons

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

Tom Jones

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

Toni Morrison

I like marriage. The idea.

Tommy Bolt

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

Tommy Cooper

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Tommy Cooper

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Tommy Cooper

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Tommy Cooper

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Tommy Cooper

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Tommy Cooper

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Tommy Cooper

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Tommy Cooper

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Tommy Cooper

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Tommy Cooper

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Tommy Cooper

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.