Quotes about funny
funny giving advice
There is a misleading, unwritten rule that states if a quote giving advice comes from someone famous, very old, or Greek, then it must be good advice. Robert Foster Bennett
funny military school
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber. Robert Fulghum
funny life family
The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended. Robert Frost
funny humor cutting
I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.
funny college judgment
College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
funny family home
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
funny humor law
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
funny life motivational
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
funny happy-birthday growing-up
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
funny hilarious humor
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Robert Bloch
funny smile hilarious
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
funny dog boys
The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. Robert Benchley
funny witty humorous
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
funny party fall
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
funny humor feet
One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.
funny humor water
Streets full of water. Please Advise.
funny humor home
In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.
funny new-york humorous
[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.
funny retirement heart
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
funny witty humorous
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
funny work procrastination
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
funny loyalty dog
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
funny divorce genius
I can't take his genius any more. Rita Hayworth
funny sleep winter
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Rita Rudner
funny children pregnancy
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
funny humor men
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
funny sex husband
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
funny team humor
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
funny humor men
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
funny sports humor
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
funny humor men
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
funny basketball team
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
funny jobs humor
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.