Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rita Rudner

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Rita Rudner

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Rita Rudner

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Rita Rudner

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Rita Rudner

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

Rita Rudner

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Rita Rudner

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Rita Rudner

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Rita Rudner

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Rita Rudner

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Rita Rudner

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Rita Rudner

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Rita Rudner

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Rita Rudner

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Rita Rudner

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Rita Rudner

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.