Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rita Rudner

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Rita Rudner

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Rita Rudner

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Rita Mae Brown

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.

Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Richard Strauss

Its a funny thing Alice, dying is just the way I composed it in Tod und Verklärung.

Richard Thompson

I'm sure every pattern has been covered, but it's nice to think you might dwell on some that other people don't.

Thornton Wilder

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.

Thornton Wilder

Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Thomas Nagel

What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?

Thomas Paine

To establish any mode to abolish war, however advantageous it might be to Nations, would be to take from such Government the most lucrative of its branches.

Timothy Leary

LSD is a psychedelic drug which occasionally causes psychotic behavior in people who have NOT taken it.

Rupert Brooke

A book may be compared to your neighbor: if it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.

Rupert Everett

Hmm... Death by mini bar, how glamorous.