Famous Quotes & Sayings

Whitney Cummings

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Sarah Silverman

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

Sarah Silverman

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Sarah Silverman

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Sarah Silverman

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Sarah Silverman

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

Sarah Silverman

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

Sarah Silverman

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

Sarah Silverman

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Sarah Silverman

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Sarah Silverman

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Sarah Silverman

I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

Sarah Silverman

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

Sarah Silverman

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

Sarah Silverman

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

Sarah Silverman

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Sarah Silverman

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

Sarah Silverman

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

Sarah Silverman

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

Sara Gilbert

Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.

Sara Blakely

The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.

Sara Blakely

I didn't want women to walk out of the dressing rooms feeling depressed and wanting a cocktail.

Samuel Rogers

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else.

William Feather

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.

William Faulkner

War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.

William Faulkner

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

Whoopi Goldberg

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

Warren Spahn

Once (Stan) Musial timed your fastball, your infielders were in jeopardy.

Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Ronald Reagan

What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless, you might say, by choice.

Ronald Reagan

It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas.