Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Reggie Evans

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

Reggie Jackson

After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.

Red Buttons

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

Tom Jones

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

Toni Morrison

I like marriage. The idea.

Tommy Bolt

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

Tommy Cooper

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Tommy Cooper

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Tommy Cooper

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Tommy Cooper

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.