Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.