Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Steven Wright

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Steven Wright

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Steven Wright

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.