Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Steven Wright

I was an only child, eventually.

Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Steven Wright

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Steven Wright

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Steven Wright

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

Steven Wright

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Steven Wright

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Steven Wright

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Steven Wright

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.

Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?