Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally.

Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

Steven Wright

My father was a small claims court jester.

Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Steven Wright

The speed of time is one second per second.

Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Steven Wright

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Steven Wright

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Steven Wright

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what?

Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

Steven Wright

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Steven Wright

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Steven Wright

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Steven Wright

I lost a button hole.

Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

Half the people you know are below average.

Steven Wright

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.