Quotes about funny
funny humor two
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? George Carlin
funny philosophy humor
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
funny morning dark
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
funny philosophy health
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
funny sarcastic baby
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
funny ambition humor
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
funny sarcastic witty
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
funny-life life-is near-death
Life is a near-death experience.
funny sarcastic witty
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
funny witty atheist
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
funny sarcastic witty
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
funny sarcastic witty
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
funny marriage sarcastic
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
funny sarcastic mother
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
funny humor waiting-rooms
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
funny dog nice
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
funny success witty
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
funny sarcastic witty
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
funny life smile
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
funny laughter roof-over-your-head
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
funny humor mean
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
funny sarcastic witty
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...
funny mind religion
Religion is just mind control.
funny abortion religion
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
funny future humor
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
funny sarcastic witty
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
funny time jobs
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
funny sarcastic witty
It's never just a game when you're winning.
funny mean humor
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
funny travel next
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
funny sarcastic witty
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
funny peace freedom
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
funny sexy arms
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.