Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Mitch Hedberg

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Mitch Hedberg

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

Mitch Hedberg

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Mitch Hedberg

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Oscar Wilde

God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.

Oscar Wilde

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much... ...Monogamy ? It's the same.

Oscar Wilde

It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing

Oscar Wilde

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

Oscar Wilde

When a man does exactly what a woman expects him to do she doesn't think much of him. One should always do what a woman doesn't expect, just as one should say what she doesn't understand.

Oscar Wilde

Genius is born-not paid

Oscar Wilde

Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities.

Oscar Wilde

The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

Oscar Wilde

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.