Famous Quotes & Sayings

Henny Youngman

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Henny Youngman

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Henny Youngman

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Henny Youngman

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Henri Frederic Amiel

An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.

Helen Keller

When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we wait too long looking at the closed door, and never realize that another door has been opened.

George Eliot

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

George Eliot

That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger-not to be interfered with by speech or action which would distract the sensations from the fresh enjoyment of repose.

Jill Soloway

It's really easy to be funny. You get a lot of funny people in a room, the show is funny.

It sounds like he's being gracious. I mean, how could he get that wrong? It sounds funny to me,

Gilbert Arenas

You think you're funny until you meet somebody like Tom Tolbert.

It was a setback. But you go on. I am just glad who we have here. I am just glad as heck. Things work out in funny ways.

Leslie Nielsen

It's a different ballgame, ... It'll be funny, interesting. As actors, we're doing our own writing.

It's a funny thing. It's confidence. That first one goes down and it kind of goes from there.

Clint Walker

It's a funny thing about westerns. For a while nobody would do a western.

Kenny Chesney

It's a funny thing about these kinda towns. They may not be big or flashy, but they're like where I come from: real basic, pretty simple and all heart. The people that live in those places, that come from those kinds of towns, they remind you about everything that's good about folks, so it's great to be able to start our next leg right smack in the middle of it all.

George Bernard Shaw

It's a funny thing about that bust. As time goes on it seems to get younger and younger.

David Frum

It's a funny story; it's not a self-aggrandizing one.

David Cronenberg

It's a funny movie, too. People may wonder what's going on when they hear that about a movie that has the title A History of Violence . I think once they see it, they'll get it.

Sue Gardner

It's a funny habit to write encyclopedia entries. It's not a mass taste.

Carlos Delgado

It's a funny game. It's kind of a bummer. It would have been nice to keep the line moving.

It's a raw, grungy, funny show. If this kind of show can't work here, it can't work anywhere.

It's an honor to be an all-star, and it's funny how it worked out with the poster. I've already had some great experiences in this game. I just hope we can go in and get a win for our team and the fans.

Laura Harper

It's just funny to me how no one respects us. We were just thinking, 'When are we going to get respect? Just when?' I guess we just have to win the national championship.

Larry Fitzgerald

It's kind of a big flashback. It's funny being on the other side.

It's entertaining and funny and it helps make people -- adults and teen-agers -- more aware.