Famous Quotes & Sayings

Herb Caen

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Henry David Thoreau

We admire Chaucer for his sturdy English wit.... But though it is full of good sense and humanity, it is not transcendent poetry.For picturesque description of persons it is, perhaps, without a parallel in English poetry; yet it is essentially humorous, as the loftiest genius never is.

Jeff Gordon

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

Jerry Seinfeld

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

Jerome K. Jerome

The proverbial Englishman, we know from old chronicler Froissart, takes his pleasures sadly, and the Englishwoman goes a step further and takes her pleasures in sadness itself.

Jeffrey Gitomer

Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies.

Frank Zappa

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.

Frank Zappa

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

Jerry Springer

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

Jennifer Granholm

I love the protest signs protected by the First Amendment - some of them humorous, some of them passionate, some factual, some entirely incorrect - all of them free ideas.

George S. Kaufman

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

Jawaharlal Nehru

It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others.

Eugene Ionesco

When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.

Groucho Marx

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Golda Meir

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

Golda Meir

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

Golda Meir

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

Golda Meir

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

George Burns

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

George Burns

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

George Burns

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

George Bernard Shaw

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.

Fred Allen

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

George Thorogood

Look at Gleason in The Honeymooners. He was humorous but the way he lived wasn't really humorous. He was a bus driver. Who wants to be a bus driver? He didn't have any money and he was not famous. But despite that, the show is humorous.

George Carlin

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

George Carlin

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

George Carlin

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

George Carlin

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

George Carlin

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

George Carlin

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.