Famous Quotes & Sayings

Alan Coren

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Al Capone

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

Eddie Vedder

Caffeine. The gateway drug.

Elinor Glyn

American humor ... is not subtle. It is something that makes you laugh the moment you hear it, you have not to think a scrap.

Dizzy Dean

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.

David Nicholls

A joke was not a single-use item but something you brought out again and again until it fell apart in your hand like a cheap umbrella.

Abraham Lincoln

I couldn't be two faced. If I had two faces, I wouldn't wear this one.

Abraham Lincoln

Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals.

Abraham Lincoln

Knavery and flattery are blood relations.

She had a robust sense of humor and the most infectious laugh.

Since it's a very small car, I don't have much office space.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

Arthur Conan Doyle

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

Arthur Conan Doyle

I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it.

Arthur Conan Doyle

I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

Arthur Conan Doyle

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

Arthur Conan Doyle

Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything that I can see with my naked eye.

Barbara Johnson

Old florists never die. They just make other arrangements.

Bahman Ghobadi

I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.

Barbara Mertz

Exaggeration is the cheapest form of humor.

Arthur Miller

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

John Scalzi

Many of the writers who have inspired me most are outside the genre: Humorists like Robert Benchley and James Thurber, screenwriters like Ben Hecht and William Goldman, and journalists/columnists like H.L. Mencken, Mike Royko and Molly Ivins.

Diane Keaton

Humor helps us get through life with a modicum of grace. It offers one of the few benign ways of coping with the absurdity of it all.

Dennis Ritchie

The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.

Edsger Dijkstra

PL/1, the fatal disease, belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.

Aristotle

Wit is cultured insolence.

Aristotle

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Peter Jennings

Always have a sense of humor about life - you'll need it - but always be courteous to boot.

The interesting thing about humor is that in humor, you - in logic, something is A or not A. In humor, it's both A and not A.

Mallory Ortberg

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences.

Gad Elmaleh

I don't feel any need to play the role of the clown. In my private life I take a break from humor.

David Steinberg

I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.