Famous Quotes & Sayings

George Burns

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

George Burns

At my age flowers scare me.

George Burns

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

George Burns

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

George Burns

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

George Burns

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

George Burns

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

George Burns

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

George Burns

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

George Burns

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

George Bernard Shaw

Ladies and gentleman are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.

George Bernard Shaw

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

George Bernard Shaw

Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.

George Bernard Shaw

Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do?

George Bernard Shaw

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

George Bernard Shaw

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

George Bernard Shaw

The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.

George Bernard Shaw

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

George Bernard Shaw

Every dream is a prophecy: every jest is an earnest in the womb of Time.

George Bernard Shaw

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

George Bernard Shaw

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

George Bernard Shaw

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

George Bernard Shaw

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.