Famous Quotes & Sayings

Greg Gutfeld

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

Gracie Allen

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Gracie Allen

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

Gracie Allen

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Evan Esar

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.

Evan Esar

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Eugene Ionesco

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

Ernie Kovacs

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

Ernie Pyle

If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will let you alone.

Ernest Hemingway

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

Ernest Hemingway

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Ernest Hemingway

A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.

Ernest Hemingway

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ernest Hemingway

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.

Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Erma Bombeck

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

Erma Bombeck

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

Erma Bombeck

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

Erma Bombeck

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Erma Bombeck

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

Erma Bombeck

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.