Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bill Cosby

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Bill Cosby

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Bill Cosby

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

Bill Cosby

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Bill Cosby

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

Bill Cosby

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Catullus

But you shall not escape my iambics.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

Carrie Fisher

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

Carrie Fisher

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

Bill Burr

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Bill Burr

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.

Bill Burr

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!

Bill Burr

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

Bill Burr

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Bill Burr

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

Bill Bryson

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose

Robbie Coltrane

My son's the same, he's terribly funny. It's a wonderful power to have. It's also fantastically disarming. Women find it unbelievably disarming. You can say the most astonishing things if you're funny. You can tell a woman that she's irresistibly attractive, but do it in such a funny way.

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

Cy Twombly

My parents were from New England. It's very funny, but when I grew up, you always had to say, 'Yes, ma'am' and 'Yes, sir.'

Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny.

Where Walter was irascible and funny and mean and challenging, Jack was just always laughing at Walter's jokes and being sweet and lovable,

I think I'm prepared for it, just because of my personality and the way I am. I know there's going to be some harsh things, some funny things. I'm going to try and take it all in as a joke, go out there and handle my business.

Elle King

I think I write funny songs that make people kind of, like, stop what they're doing and be like, 'What did you say?' And then it makes them laugh a little bit.

Elton Brand

I thought he might be a little standoffish and not want to be here. He's a great guy, he's funny and he's got your back, 100 percent.

Elton Brand

I thought he might be a little standoffish and not want to be here, ... He's a great guy, he's funny and he's got your back, 100 percent.

I thought it was funny because it wasn't the first time that's happened to me. We're moving on and they're going home, and that's all that matters.

Johnny Knoxville has such an incredible humanity to him when you meet him. He's so warm and so funny, and he can sort of get into trouble and you sort of forgive him immediately.

Michael Lewis

The A's are held to the standard of the Yankees in a funny kind of way. That if they don't win the World Series it is regarded as a failure.