Famous Quotes & Sayings

Ann Landers

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

Ann Brashares

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.

Ann Brashares

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Andy Borowitz

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Andy Borowitz

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Andy Borowitz

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Andy Borowitz

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Andy Borowitz

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Andy Borowitz

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Andy Cohen

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.

Andrea Dworkin

Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are.

Larry Dixon

I never thought I'd live this long. It sounds funny because I still think of myself as a kid.

Jerry Seinfeld

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

Gilbert K. Chesterton

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

Lucy Punch

I personally do not find puke funny. I find it disgusting.

Lucy Punch

As long as it's funny, there's no such thing as too far.

Lucy Punch

Someone told me I had funny facial expressions. I don't know whether I take that as a compliment or not, but.

Nikki Reed

I feel like every day of my life is a funny wardrobe malfunction!

Nathan Fielder

If I find something funny and make an older woman laugh, I love that for some reason.

Pink

I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person.

Craig Kilborn

However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.

Dominic Cooper

It's funny, I never think I'm doing that well. I've never, ever. I just constantly think, 'This isn't working out.'

Dallas Roberts

It's funny, my kids and I live together, and I have a lot of actor friends. So my kids think everyone is on television every now and again, since everyone they know pops up here, but there's a whole rap of things they won't watch until they're 16 or 17.

Yeah, I am. It's funny because now the girls are showing the men the way to get it done. Winning this was an unbelievable feeling. I can't tell you how happy I am.

Jean Kerr

Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent.

Ashton Kutcher

I don't think I'm a funny person in general. I have had to learn comedy.

Amanda Peet

If you think about it, there aren't that many women who are in their 40s, who are Jewish and funny and stage-worthy.