Famous Quotes & Sayings

William Shatner

You need to be silly to be funny.

William J. Clinton

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

William J. Clinton

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

William J. Clinton

Sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs.

William J. Clinton

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.

William James

Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.

William James

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Will Cuppy

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.

Will Ferrell

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

Whitney Cummings

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Sarah Silverman

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

Sarah Silverman

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Sarah Silverman

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Sarah Silverman

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Sarah Silverman

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

Sarah Silverman

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

Sarah Silverman

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

Sarah Silverman

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

Sarah Silverman

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

Sarah Silverman

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Sarah Silverman

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Sarah Silverman

I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

Sarah Silverman

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

Sarah Silverman

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

Sarah Silverman

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

Sarah Silverman

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Sarah Silverman

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

Sarah Silverman

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

Sarah Silverman

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

Sara Gilbert

Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.

Sara Blakely

The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.

Sara Blakely

I didn't want women to walk out of the dressing rooms feeling depressed and wanting a cocktail.