Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

Steven Wright

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Steven Wright

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Steven Wright

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Steven Wright

I lost a button hole.

Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Steven Wright

Half the people you know are below average.

Steven Wright

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Steven Wright

I was an only child, eventually.

Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Steven Wright

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Steven Wright

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Steven Wright

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

Steven Wright

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Steven Wright

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?