Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Steven Wright

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.

Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Steven Wright

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

Steven Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark?