Famous Quotes & Sayings

John Barrymore

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

Louise Brown

Don't call 'em dogs. Dogs are loyal and they run after balls.

John Cena

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.

John Cena

Heath Slater, or the chick from Wendy's

John Archibald Wheeler

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.

Al Franken

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny.

Christopher Gorham

You know, 'Jake 2.0' had some funny things in it; I mean, I needed my sense of humor to do that part.

Matt Lauer

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Meg Cabot

Save your rejections so that later when you are famous you can show them to people and laugh.

Maurice Chevalier

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.

Matthew Pearl

Yes, we rather condemn people for eternity without the courtesy of informing them.

Matthew Modine

I played Little League and in high school. I played more over the years whenever there was a pick-up game... usually softball.

Matthew Broderick

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

Marilyn vos Savant

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Woody Allen

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes

Kirk Douglas

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive.

Kirk Douglas

"Hail to the Chief" was played, and the President got up and made a gracious opening remark. "I've been in this office for six years, and yet every time I hear that music, I turn around wondering who they're playing it for."

Kirk Douglas

Unfortunately, once I did learn to smoke, I couldn't stop. I escalated to two packs a day very quickly, and stayed that way for about ten years. When I decided to stop, I adopted the method that my father had used when he quit. He would carry a cigarette in his shirt pocket, and every time he felt like smoking, he would pull out the cigarette and confront it: "Who stronger? You? Me?" Always the answer was the same: "I stronger." Back the cigarette would go, until the next craving. It worked for him, and it worked for me.

Kirk Douglas

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew."

Kevin Garnett

This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war.

Kenneth Williams

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.

Kathleen Norris

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Karl Malone

I'm hunting for little Mexican girls.

Karl Marx

History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.

Jules Shear

The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

Julia Child

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

They like him for the simplest of reasons: One of them said to me, 'Because he's funny,'

It was kind of a funny game because of the way we were able to score. The only negative we took out of the game is that we didn't get many offensive plays.

Lily Tomlin

It was just a funny notion about everything. We were lucky that Jane had such a passion for it and she, from the beginning, wanted the two of us; Dolly and me.

Gerald R. Ford

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

Gerald R. Ford

Obviously, it's a great privilege and pleasure to be here at the Yale Law School Sesquicentennial Convocation. And I defy anyone to say that and chew gum at the same time.

Jim Jefferies

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

Jim Denny

You ain't going nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving a truck.