Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Wright

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Steven Wright

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Steven Wright

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven Wright

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Steven Wright

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.