Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Peaches Geldof

People should just be aware of how they are eating... yesterday I had a McDonald's breakfast and pizza too - but that's bad.

Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Phyllis Diller

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Rabindranath Tagore

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.