Famous Quotes & Sayings

Andre Gide

The funny thing about love is that it must continually grow or it will diminish.

LeAnn Rimes

The funny thing is the songs that people think are about me probably aren't. And the songs that are probably are the ones they wouldn't think... so that's where it kind of is funny.

This is a good two-minute piece of why this guy got into the running in a funny way.

Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Emo Philips

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.