Famous Quotes & Sayings

John Mortimer

Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.

John Mortimer

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

John Desmond Bernal

The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes.

John Berryman

Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.

John B. S. Haldane

There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.

Joel Hodgson

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

Joel Madden

My mom always said that there would be haters. Not everyone can love ya.

Joel Klein

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.

Joan Rivers

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Jimmy Roy

We have a small, tight family. I left home at a young age and the best thing for me was to go home at Christmas-time and spend time with my family and friends. It's kind of funny, most people do turkey and all the trimmings, but we would have a big seafood festival because it's the only time of the year that we'd eat it. We never really went caroling, but once in a while we'd got out for a sleigh ride

Garry Shandling

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

Garry Shandling

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

Garry Shandling

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

Garry Shandling

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Garrison Keillor

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

Garrison Keillor

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

Garrison Keillor

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Garrison Keillor

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Gabriela Sabatini

I travel a lot to promote the perfumes and to do the commercials.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.