Famous Quotes & Sayings

Peter Sellers

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.

Peter Sagal

In the old days, we painstakingly copied our emails onto paper, put a stamp on them and mailed them to arrive 4 to 5 days later. We also churned our own butter and used our phones for talking.

Peter Sagal

The new French theme park based on Napoleon is named Napoleon's Bivouac, and will honor Napoleon with rides, battle reenactments, and the brutal March on Moscow ride. That's a walk-in freezer you stand in for 18 months while you try to eat a dead horse.

Peter Sagal

Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.

Peter Sagal

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.

Peaches Geldof

People should just be aware of how they are eating... yesterday I had a McDonald's breakfast and pizza too - but that's bad.

Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Phyllis Diller

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Rabindranath Tagore

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.

Queen Elizabeth II

Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.

Puff Daddy

I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had.

Queen Latifah

I am not one to turn down macaroni and cheese, even late at night. I love Italian food. I love pasta... A refrigerator full of water and Gatorade? Honey, that's just not gonna happen.

Joss Whedon

If the apocalypse comes...beep me!

Konrad Adenauer

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

Kobe Bryant

I can't relate to lazy people. We don't speak the same language. I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you.

Kobe Bryant

These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess.

Roger Daltrey

There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964.

Sam Shepard

The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.

Rush Limbaugh

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.

Thomas Carlyle

A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering.

Thomas Carlyle

Originality is a thing we constantly clamour for, and constantly quarrel with.

Thomas Carlyle

I don't pretend to understand the Universe - it's a great deal bigger than I am.

Thomas Carlyle

The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.

Tony Curtis

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.