Famous Quotes & Sayings

Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Philips

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Jake Gyllenhaal

Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.

George Farquhar

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

George Foreman

I hit Ali with everything and he said 'is that all you got' and I said 'yeah, that's pretty much it.'

Jon Kabat-Zinn

The funny thing about stopping is that as soon as you do it, here you are.

Jon Foreman

Well, the funny thing is, you are never the same person that you were the day before.

Jon Foreman

Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Johnny Vegas

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Johnny Carson

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

Johnny Carson

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Johnny Carson

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Johnny Carson

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Johnny Carson

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Johnny Carson

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Luis Bunuel

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese

Louis Pasteur

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.

Lord Chesterfield

Being pretty on the inside means you don't hit your brother and you eat all your peas - that's what my grandma taught me.

Lord Chesterfield

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.