Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Demetri Evan Martinis an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth25 May 1973
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
funny flower humor
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
mean thinking way
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
funny humor sleep
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
funny horse humor
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
funny humor cutting
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."
funny humor epidemics
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
funny humor nouns
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
funny couple humor
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
funny humor forever
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
funny im-sorry humor
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
choices dishwashers efficient
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
ohio average guy
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
girlfriend ex-girlfriend thinking
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
want today forget
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.