Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Demetri Evan Martinis an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth25 May 1973
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
batteries dramatic break
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
dream thinking stuff
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
differences important pool
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
funny humor men
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.
funny humor doors
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
funny humor firsts
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
mean giving advice
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
math people giving
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
plato names would-be
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
interesting marching-band would-be
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
funny humor want
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
artist self two
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
funny hate humor
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
funny couple humor
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.