Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mitch Hedberg

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

Mitch Hedberg

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

Mitch Hedberg

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

Mitch Hedberg

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

Mitch Hedberg

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Mitch Hedberg

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Mitch Hedberg

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

Mitch Hedberg

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

Mitch Hedberg

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Mitch Hedberg

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

Mitch Hedberg

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

Mitch Hedberg

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

Mitch Hedberg

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

Mitch Hedberg

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Mitch Hedberg

I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"

Mitch Hedberg

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

Mitch Hedberg

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Mitch Hedberg

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

Mitch Hedberg

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Mitch Hedberg

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

Mitch Hedberg

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Mitch Hedberg

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

Mitch Hedberg

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.